The Trojan War

I watched a documentary on the Illiad and Oddesey today. Sometimes I think academics overthink things. They gassed on and on about how the Trojan War if it happened at all (which they were not sure was the case), was really about trade, commerce, and economics despite the fact that wars are almost never fought over those things. Most wars are actually, or so it appears to me, fought over ideology though sometimes economic issues are involved.

When I read the old tales like this I come to a different conclusion than the professors of ancient history and anthropology interviewed for the documentary. Most of these ancient kings would, I think fit right in with what might be called a Red-Neck culture and that means their motivations were not the same as Harvard/Oxford-educated eggheads.

Those ancient kings hunted, fished, worked on their farms, and as the Greeks invented wrestling watched 'rasslin' in their spare time. 

They let the dogs in the dining room at dinner time and fed them scraps while the meal was in progress.

 They hung their weapons on the living room wall so everyone could see their newest assault-style spear, sword, or bow.

They raced their horses and chariots. 

Gambling was a favorite pastime. 

They drank beer and wine by the gallon (Harder stuff hadn't been invented yet). 

They used mildly hallucinogenic plants like mandrake on a regular basis. 

They probably scratched,  belched, and told fart jokes. 

I doubt they took showers or baths more than once a month or so.

They worked with their hands. 

They camped out. 

They'd get together to watch sports, sing songs, or play games.

They ate the ancient equivalent of BBQ several times a week, and most meals included bread and cheese.

They were all veterans who showed off their scars and weren't afraid of a fight.

They were also loyal to their friends. They knew what they wanted and worked at getting it. These brutes worshiped their gods with sincerity. 

They loved their wives and children. 

They valued honesty and expected to be treated with respect by both friends and enemies.

If the description above doesn't describe a bunch of Red-Necks I don't know what does. This doesn't make the old kings perfect by any means but I just think these men were not as sophisticated and refined as academic hotten-tots try and make them out to be.

I think if old Menelaus had come home from a hard day hunting deer and fishing for crappie and bass (or whatever fish there are in Greece) and found out his wife had run off with some Trojan Yankee (Troy was North of where he lived after all) he'd have immediately called his best friends Aggie, Oddie and Lee (Agamemnon, Odysseus, and Achilles) and said "We gotta go bring Helen back! That fool must have kidnapped her because they ain't no way in Hell my wife'd run off with an SOB that stupid and ugly."

And that ladies and gentlemen, was the cause of the Trojan war.

Until Next Time

Fai Mao

The Blogger who watches nerdy history documentaries